Day 30: Letting Go

Day 30: React to this term: 'Letting go.' 

Sitting here in my sister's spare bedroom, burrowing my feet in to the crisp white duvet cover, and hearing nothing but the sound of the whirring of my laptop, I've got to thinking about what the term 'letting go' means to me. At first, I wasn't quite sure if I could answer this prompt, but after some time had passed, I realised I actually have a lot to say.

Over the last twenty months or so since I injured my back, my life has changed dramatically, and so have I. While many would struggle mentally when faced with a life changing injury (whether this be permanent or for the foreseeable future), I have reacted the polar opposite, and found my depression has lifted enormously. I've battled with depression since my teens, and although I can't justify the reason why my current circumstances seems to have pulled me out of the dark abyss which I lived in for over a decade, I have to say it's wonderful to have let go of so much darkness, and the negative weight on my shoulders. I still live with depression, but at the moment it's almost lying dormant, and that's how I hope it will stay.

I guess I've realised how unimportant so many things that plagued me are compared to health, and mobility, freedom, and independence. Without those things, life is so much more challenging. My eyes have opened up to what's really important in life (for me) and what's not worth worrying about. My attitude and opinions towards various things have changed, as has my perspective on myself. My confidence and body-confidence have increased; I'm happier; I'm not exhausted from working so hard... This has all enabled me to let go of the darkness, and negative person I once was, and I'm happy to let go of that.

Of course, there are many things in life I've had to let go of, for now, that I truly miss. With my pain levels unmanaged, and my mobility limited because of this, I can't cope out of bed for more than an hour or two at most- and that's on a good day, so many of my hobbies and interests are on hiatus. I miss going to concerts, travelling, visiting friends, and shopping days, to name a few. I miss being able to do normal tasks for myself without putting myself in more pain, like washing my hair, baking, giving myself a pedicure... but I've learnt to let those restrictions and hurdles go, and have accepted my current situation, and learnt to adapt.

I would almost say I've found a sense of peace over my current situation. I'm at peace with what has happened, and I've been able to let my old life go without much frustration. There's no anger, no blame, no regret, or longing for my old life. Nor am I pining to reach recovery. I've let it go, and I'm concentrating on living each day as it comes and hoping for the day I'm back on my feet again living a more normal, pain free life. I have to let go of the past to be able to welcome the future. Who knows when it may arrive.