Looking Back on 2023

I was meant to have this written and posted by New Year's Eve, but I've been so drained and sleepy since Christmas, so I'm having to play catch-up. I know, I know; I'm useless. I'd say 'better late than never, right?', but I'm not sure anyone else would agree once they've suffered through my incessant whining. So... yeah... sorry about this...

Goodbye 2023, hello 2024!

Well, that's another year done and dusted, and I feel like I have very little to show for it. 

I didn't do anything noteworthy, I didn't meet anyone new, I didn't really go anywhere, and I didn't feel good about it. Honestly, I'm not sure 2023 is worth remembering at all.

It was another rough year for me, with my health leaving me mostly housebound, and lots of bad chronic pain flares making it difficult to get out and about and live my life. 

By November, I'd only left the house for non-medical reasons six times, which was one of my worst records yet. I only managed two days out the entire year- once to see Ronan Keating and The City Lights Symphony Orchestra live in London in March (they were amazing, but I got pick-pocketed on the way), and the other was a fun day trip to Longleat Safari Park on my birthday in July. (I saw koalas, a wombat, and giant river otters for the first time, and hand-fed deer and a rainbow lorikeet, so at least that ticked some things off my bucket list). That's it. That's all I did. I'm not even kidding. How pathetic is that?! 

I'm not going to lie, I felt pathetic, and really struggled with my life last year. Or the lack of life in my life; the lack of new experiences, adventures, excitement, and social life. I often felt  isolated and alone, and it wasn't good for my mental health. I should be used to it all after twelve years of housebound life, but I do still miss my old life sometimes, and last year seemed to hit me particularly hard- thankfully, not every day, but more often than it had in a while. 

And as for blogging... well, I didn't manage to do much of that, either, so, let's not go there! Haha!

But despite all that, I'm choosing to look back on 2023 as a year of surviving. 

I got myself through another year without giving up, despite wanting to at times, and  that's an achievement of it's own. 

I also tried my hardest to make the best of every day because I prefer that to moping, and found enjoyment in the little things in life since I couldn't do the big ones. We don't give the little things enough love.

I found happiness in reading and collecting beautiful books, and became particularly obsessed with the Throne of Glass, ACOTAR, Fourth Wing and Blood and Ash series. Escaping into fantasy worlds was definitely my favourite coping mechanism. I enjoyed watercolour painting, did a little cross stitching and embroidery (but not nearly enough), watched a bunch of movies, played a lot of Animal Crossing, began a reading journal, blogged a little, tried to improve my photography and flatlays, wrote some book reviews, shared memes with friends, and spent time with my family and my dog. 

It was definitely not an exciting year on paper, but it was the one I got, and that's okay. They don't all have to be spectacular years full of achievements, adventures, and flashy holidays. It's okay if all you did last year was survive, go to work, and / or hermit yourself away with a book day after day. There's no right way to live, and there is (hopefully) plenty of time left to do all the things we want to.

I'm hoping 2024 will be a better year, and that I'm able to get out and about a little more often, and do more than just existing, but I guess we shall see what the year brings. That's the thing about life; you never know what might happen or where it might take you. If you can't follow your dreams, you just have to take it day by day, and see where it leads you.

What was the best (or worst) thing that happened to you in 2023?

Looking Back on 2022

I can't believe we're already saying 'goodbye' to 2022. I'm sure I say this every year, but it only feels like a minute since we were ringing in the last new year, and I was writing my last annual reminder of all the things I didn't do. Is it just me, or have the last twelve months flown by?

For me, they shouldn't have, as 2022 was one of the most boring and uneventful years of my life. Looking back on the year, I've realised just how little living I did. I spent most of 2022 at home, just riding out my chronic pain, tachycardia, and fatigue a day at a time. If we don't include my holiday in September, I can probably count how many times I left the house all year on two hands- including for medical appointments! I'm pretty disappointed in myself for just how little living I managed, and how little I pushed myself to try.

All I really have to show for 2022 is an overnight trip to Bournemouth to see Ronan Keating, a visit to Whipsnade Zoo, a few trips in to town with my sister, and a week's holiday to Cornwall. Cornwall was definitely a highlight of the year, with time by the sea, lots of good food, day trips to beautiful Padstow and St. Ives, and fun visits to Newquay Zoo and The Screech Owl Sanctuary. It was a blissful week away from it all, and exactly the kind of escapism I needed. 

The rest of 2022 was just spent surviving, and enjoying the little things in life. I read a lot and finished 46 books; played Animal Crossing and FarmVille 3 (for far more hours than I probably should admit); cross stitched and painted; attempted to blog; became addicted to the Shadow and Bone books, The Folk of the Air series, and The Ballad of Never After and made them my whole personality; watched some good movies and TV shows; wasted time online; and spent time with my family and my dog. That's about it.

Wow, my year sounds pathetic.

Catching Covid-19 in June, the first time I went without a mask in a crowd, was also an experience, and one I'm not likely to forget in a hurry. I was sick for a month, and while it wasn't as bad as it could've been, it was horrendous. Though, the guilt I felt for making my whole family sick was worse. (Read about it here).

As for Polka Spots and Freckle Dots... well, the less said about that, the better. I celebrated my blog's 10th birthday in March, but I also blogged less in 2022 than in any year since I began blogging. It wasn't for lack of trying- I attempted to write almost every day, but either the words wouldn't come, or I didn't have the spoons to take the photos I needed to post. I managed to post every month, and caught up a little in December, but my tally of posts for the year is pretty darn sad. Here's hoping I can do better in 2023. It's definitely something I hope to improve on over the next twelve months.

So, basically, embarrassingly, I didn't experience much in 2022. I didn't reach any of life's milestones, I didn't meet anyone new, I didn't see the world, I just didn't live. But- I made it through another difficult year of chronic pain and illness, and that's an achievement of it's own. I can be proud of making it through another 365 days of  constant pain, fatigue, tachycardia, and all my other symptoms, even if I have little else to be proud of.

And that's okay.

It's okay if the only thing you did this year was survive. We don't always have to live our lives to the full, achieve our dreams, or do impressive things. Being alive, and making the best of the lives we've been given is okay, too. We can always try again next year.

And I hope that I will.

What's the best thing that happened to you in 2022?

Looking Back on 2021

Goodbye 2021, hello 2022, and Happy belated New Year to you all!

I can't believe we're already four weeks in to the new year. This month has gone so quickly, which is weird since I've been unwell for most of it, and I've only left the house twice since Christmas for boring medical appointments. It's going to be Christmas again before we know it.

I don't know about you, but my year hasn't got off to the best start. I haven't been so well over the last few weeks- I've had some pretty nasty chronic pain and tachycardia flares, and have just been diagnosed with an ear infection, so, yeah... Happy New Year to me. I've just been hibernating and looking after myself, so I'm so behind with my blog posts. It's taken me a month to get this post written, but I'm back, and I'm going to try to catch up over the next week or two, starting with a look back on the delightful year that was 2021.

I'm grateful that I can say that despite the lockdowns and restrictions, 2021 was not the worst year of my life. It wasn't a particularly interesting or exciting year for me; I didn't achieve much, go to many new places, meet any new people, or even leave the house often, but if that's the worst I can say about a year when a contagious virus took thousands of lives, I consider myself lucky. 

I got through the year without myself or anyone close to me catching Covid, we didn't lose jobs or businesses or miss weddings or funerals like many did, and lockdown life was a piece of cake as it wasn't any different to my normal life of living housebound with chronic illness. I know others weren't so lucky, and most people found lockdown challenging, so I'm choosing to be grateful. My year could've been so much worse.

Between Covid and chronic illness, it was not a year of adventures, but I got to take my first holiday in four years, to Cornwall in September, which was a welcome break from normality, and the highlight of my year, We had a great time exploring more of the Cornish coast by car and tour bus, revisited Padstow, ate ice creams on the sea front, paddled in the sea at Perranporth, had a fun day out at Newquay Zoo, and sampled lots of delicious local food. (I'll be blogging about some of those Cornish adventures soon). We spent most of our time resting and couldn't take as many day trips as we would've liked, but it was just the break we needed after a year and a half of Covid life. 

Most of my other escapes from captivity were just visits to the supermarket, with the occasional trip in to town with my sister, but I did take a few fun day trips to The Cotswold Wildlife Park and Whipsnade Zoo in the summer, which were good for the soul. We also squeezed in a visit to The Appleton Christmas Barn in December, but that is about as exciting as 2021 got for me. I'd hoped to get out and about a lot more, and take more fun, socially-distanced visits to local places, but for various reasons- Covid restrictions, chronic illness, funds, life- it just wasn't possible.

The reality is, I spent most of the year at home in my PJs, playing Animal Crossing and FarmVille 3, trying and failing to blog, reading a lot of books (I smashed my Goodreads reading goal and got through 42!), watching TV, falling in to fatigue-induced naps, and just trying to get through each day with chronic pain, tachycardia, and all my other symptoms kicking my ass. It wasn't an easy year health-wise, but I got through it, a day at a time.

2021 was also the year I marked ten whole years of living with severe chronic pain and illness (2.0). Ten whole years of living in constant pain, battling fatigue and a plethora of other symptoms, dealing with my life being turned upside down, living housebound, diagnosis', medical appointments, scans, treatments, and all the usual hurdles that come with having chronic pain and illness. It was a weird milestone to reach, and hard to get my head around, but I also felt proud of myself for reaching it, and coping with all that I had. I was lucky enough to be on holiday when the anniversary arrived, so I was able to make the day much more pleasant than the one a decade ago by going out for breakfast, and spending time by the sea. I was far too relaxed and content to lose any sleep over it, which was a win for me.

As for blogging, 2021 was not my best year.  I was terrible at posting- mostly because of brain fog and just not feeling up to it- and I blogged less than any year since I began blogging here in 2012. It wasn't for lack of trying, as I tried to write almost every day, but the words wouldn't come, and the posts were still few and far between. I found my groove again for a while in December, and hoped I could continue the pace this year, but as you may have noticed, I've not exactly got off to the best start. Must do better.

Sadly, the year didn't end positively for my family, after we lost my Uncle very suddenly in early November. Since childhood, I only really saw him at family gatherings as we didn't live nearby, but he was a lovely guy, and nobody had a bad word to say about him. His death has hit my parents hard, and I feel awful for my Auntie who's now all alone. I know it's a cliché, but it makes you realise how short and precious life is, and how you should never take it for granted. You never know what's around the corner.

I think the last two years with Covid have taught us that, too.

Except for the loss of my Uncle, I know my year could have been a lot worse, and I'm grateful that, for the most part, all I had to worry about was illness and boredom. Despite Covid, I still had some great times, and made some happy memories with my family. There was some good in every day, and I did my best to appreciate the little things in life, like good books, sunny days, and cuddles with my dog.

I'm glad 2021 is over, though, and I'm hopeful that 2022 will be a better year for us all, free from lockdowns, harsh restrictions, and Covid-19. Here's hoping it brings a lot more adventures, good times, health, wealth, and happiness. It can't be any worse than the last two years, right? (Y'know what, don't answer that).

Goodbye 2021.

Hello 2022. I'm ready for you, but please be kind.

What's the best thing that happened to you in 2021?

Ten Years With Chronic Pain and Illness

Today is a weird milestone in my life; one I never thought I'd be marking, one I'm not sure how to feel about.

Today, I have officially been living with debilitating chronic pain and illness for ten whole years. (It isn't the beginning of my chronic pain journey- it actually began twenty-three years ago when I was just thirteen... but that's a story for another day).

I honestly can't believe that this milestone is a part of my life. I can't believe I'm sitting here reflecting on a decade of living with life-changing chronic pain and chronic illness. If you'd told me ten years ago that I would still be in severe pain ten years later or how much my health would change my life, I'm not sure I would've believed you. I wouldn't have been able to comprehend it, and if I had, I would probably have just given up the fight there and then. I couldn't imagine lasting another week in pain, let alone another decade, and didn't think I'd have to. Back then, I assumed I'd just injured myself somehow, and thought I'd be as right as rain in a few days if I ignored it, and just kept going. 

Boy, was I wrong!

The pain didn't just continue but grew worse as the days blurred in to weeks, months and years.

Now here I am, a decade later, still in pain and diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses- Ankylosing Spondylitis, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Bertolotti's Disease, Degenerative Disc Disease, and Tachycardia, plus a naturally fused spine, and a facet fused to my sacrum. Even though the warning signs were there, I never imagined for a moment how extensive my problems would turn out to be. It didn't even enter my head.

A decade ago, I was just a normal, able-bodied twenty-six-year-old, working as a visual merchandiser in retail, and spending my days off going shopping, to the cinema, and to concerts with friends. I got mild aching pains in my bones and joints (undiagnosed Arthritis), but they hadn't so much as slowed me down since my mid-teens. Then one September morning, I woke up with back pain, and in less than a fortnight, my whole life was turned upside down. Now I'm a disabled and chronically ill thirty-six-year-old with multiple conditions, living mostly housebound, and spending much of my time in bed alone riding out the pain and fatigue, or going to medical appointments. (Can you hear that chorus of tiny violins?!) What a difference a decade makes! It's crazy how quickly your entire life can change beyond recognition. If I had known what was coming, I would have tried to live a much fuller life. (Although, life's too short for the shoulda coulda wouldas).

Still, as it's the anniversary, I can't help thinking about everything I've been through these past ten years.

I'm not going to sugar-coat it; the last ten years have been some of the hardest years of my life- not just physically, mentally, and emotionally, but socially, and financially, too. 

I've spent every waking second in extreme pain, getting very little or no relief from any painkillers or treatments. Pain so bad it makes a broken bone feel like a broken nail, and would reduce burly grown men to tears. Pain in my joints and in my bones and in my muscles and in my skin. Shooting pain, stabbing pain, throbbing pain, radiating pain, aching pain, burning pain, I've experienced it all- and then some. Then there's been painful back spasms, stiff and swollen joints, twitching nerves, muscle aches, debilitating fatigue, persistent tachycardia (which has quite frankly been terrifying), challenging brain fog, and a whole host of delightful symptoms I've had to contend with on a daily or regular basis.

The pain has been so overwhelming that there have been times when I've wanted to not be here at all. Thankfully, those thoughts don't happen often now, but it hasn't always been that easy. The first year was definitely the hardest; I can't think how many times I silently cried myself to sleep during the first six months, just wanting the pain to stop, and to get my old life back. Fortunately, I never gave up, and the days got easier as I got diagnosed, and learnt to navigate life with chronic pain and illness, but it was hard-going for a while.

I had to fight to be believed, diagnosed, and be given the treatment I deserve. For years all I heard was that I was 'too young to be in pain', and I'd be 'fine in a week or two', as I was shooed away with another sick note and another prescription that never touched the pain. It wasn't until I ventured in to private health care three years later that I started to get answers and support. Those early years almost broke me.

I've been x-rayed, scanned, and jabbed with needles. I've tried treatment after treatment, and countless painkillers and anti-inflammatories.

I went through one horrific weekend of withdrawal after an incompetent doctor I went to for help yelled at me and took me off all of my meds cold turkey. I've never been so ill in my life. 

I've ended up in A&E twice with ridiculously fast tachycardia and palpitations, and have had several ECGs.

I had to give up my job in visual merchandising, and my dreams of getting back in to animal care. I was making plans to go back to college to study animal care again when I got ill, which sadly had to go out the window.

I've spent most of the last decade bed ridden or housebound, missing out on new experiences and meeting new people out in the real world because my pain has been so debilitating. Living housebound with chronic illness has been extremely isolating, and while I'm an introvert and enjoy time alone, it's been hard not having regular interactions with people outside my own family. I've lost friends since I've been sick, too, and that hurt a lot. 

I've also had to say goodbye to many of the things I knew and enjoyed in life. I had to mourn the life I knew, and the person that I was, as well as the future I'd hoped to make for myself. I'm not going to lie; this has been hard at times. I've missed out on so much during what could have been some of the best years of my life, and sometimes I can't help feeling left behind because I don't have or haven't experienced many of the things society says I should have by my age. Thankfully, I have learnt to make my peace with that, as well as knowing that my future could be very different to the one I'd imagined, but it's only natural to feel sad about that sometimes.

Fortunately, as a socially-awkward introvert, housebound life hasn't been that hard for me to cope with overall. I like my own company, and I've learnt plenty of ways to fill my time. This blog has been a particularly invaluable coping mechanism, giving me something to throw myself in to, and has always keep me busy. I've also found comfort in reading, crafting, watching movies, hanging out with my dog, and all kinds of little things. I've gotten used to a quieter way of living, and have learnt to appreciate the little things in life, and make the most of every day. When I do get to go out and do something fun, I appreciate it so much more.

The last ten years have also been hard financially. I've had to jump through hoops to prove I'm deserving of financial help, and went through a soul-crushing fifteen months without a penny to live on because the DWP decided being able to go the hospital for medical care meant I wasn't sick enough to need help. (Seriously). Luckily, I appealed, and won my case at court, but the whole experience was a nightmare.

I've been through a hell of a lot in such a short space of time, and sometimes I don't know how I made it through.

This is probably going to make me sound like a self-indulgent twat, so feel free to roll your eyes, but I'm proud of myself for getting through the last ten years. I'm proud of the way I've handled every hurdle, from my life being turned upside down to living in constant pain to dealing with each diagnosis. None of it has been easy, but I've got through every day and every challenge without having a break down or giving up. There have been times when the pain has been so overwhelming I've not wanted to be here, but I've somehow found the strength to keep going, to keep fighting through the pain and the fatigue, the stress and the isolation, and I'm proud of myself for that. 

I know I must be coming across as incredibly negative today, but I don't think about the last ten years in a negative light. I've always just accepted my life for what it is, and tried to make the best of every day. Sure, there have been plenty of awful days, but there have been plenty of positives, too. The journey has taught me so much. I've learnt so much about life, and about myself as I've navigated this unconventional life with chronic illness. I've learnt what I'm capable of, how strong I can be, and just how much I can endure when pushed beyond my limits. I've learnt to appreciate the little things in life, and make the best of every day, with what I have. I no longer take life for granted, like I used to. I know how quickly everything can change and be taken away from you. I'm grateful for everything this experience has taught me, as I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't gone through it all.

I don't know where the future will take me- and I don't really like to think about it, as thinking about the future with chronic illness scares me- but wherever the next ten years lead me, I know I'll get through it. If the last ten years has taught me anything, it's that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for, and if I can get through all that I have, I can get through anything. 

Even though I'm being reflective and letting my feelings out here today, I don't want to focus on the negatives today, nor remember what I've lost or what I've been missing out on. (I wrote this post a few days early to process my feelings ahead of time). I'll of course be acknowledging what this day means and will be giving the last decade some head space, but I'm hoping to make today a positive one so this date isn't just 'The Day My Back Pain Began' or 'The Day My Life Changed Forever.' I'm currently in one of my favourite places enjoying a week's holiday, so I'm hoping to make some nice memories today to cancel out the bad ones. I want today to be a good one. I don't know where the day will take me, but I'm hoping I'll be well enough to take a short day trip or at least go for a walk on the beach. I'm going to eat some good food, breathe in the sea air, let the sea breeze carry away the stress, and relax to the sound of the seagulls. It's going to be a better day than this day was ten years ago, I'll make sure of it. I've not come this far and gone through what I have to let one bad day a decade ago spoil another day of my life.

Life is far too short for that.

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An Accessible Birthday Trip To Whipsnade Zoo

On the second of July, I turned another year older, and decided to seize the day with an impromptu trip to Whipsnade Zoo. 

As a big animal lover, I love a good trip to the zoo, and used to visit Whipsnade almost every year before I developed chronic pain a decade ago. I even did work experience there for two weeks when I was seventeen and studying animal care at college. I hadn't been back since I got ill in 2011, as I couldn't see a way to manage the two hour journey (each way) with my chronic pain, let alone how to walk around an enormous zoo all day. I'd resigned myself to never being able to go again, and mentally added it  to the list of 'things I can't do anymore', which made me sad as I've always loved visiting the place, but it's just one of those things you learn to accept with chronic illness. 

However, one of the great things about Whipsnade Zoo is that you can pay to take your car in, which allows you to drive around the zoo, and park up at various sections. It saves a hell of a lot of walking, and makes it much more accessible. We'd talked about attempting a visit this way for a while, so when my sister suggested a trip to Whipsnade at 10pm the night before, I jumped at the chance. Sometimes you just have to push through the pain to do something fun, and deal with the consequences later.

We prebooked our tickets online the night before, which wasn't cheap at £30 each plus £25 to bring the car in, but I promise you, it was worth every penny. The zoo is huge (600 acres), filled with awesome animals, and you really get your money's worth.

We arrived at the zoo at around 1pm, and the first thing we did was drive a lap around it to get our bearings and remind ourselves what animals we particularly wanted to see. I'd forgotten just how big the place was, and wondered how the hell I used to walk around it all when I was able-bodied. We didn't have time or the spoons to see everything, so we prioritised our favourites, and tried to fit in as much as possible. We drove around, parked up near animals we wanted to see, and walked around small sections at a time, which made our visit so much easier. We even just watched some animals from the car, which felt like being on safari without the fear or being eaten alive or having your car stripped for parts by monkeys. 

Taking the car in gave us the ability to cover a huge area we would never have managed on foot, and made the place far more accessible to us. It made such a difference to my pain and fatigue levels, and my sister's leg injuries, and I coped so much better than I'd expected to. In fact, the car journey caused me more pain than the actual visit! I would recommend it to anyone with chronic pain or mobility issues, as well as for people visiting with young kids or elderly relatives who tire easily- especially if you can't use a wheelchair or rent a mobility scooter to help you cover more ground. Trust me; your body will thank you for it later.

My sister and I had such a lovely time wandering and driving around in the scorching sunshine, watching so many weird and wonderful animals, eating ice cream, and enjoying the views of the downs below the zoo. We got to see so many awesome animals, including elephants, hippos, white and one-horned rhinos, tigers, cheetahs, lynx, sloth bears, wild boar, penguins, chimps, oryx, flamingos, and so much more. We also saw plenty of wallabies and maras, which were free-roaming all around the zoo.

Whipsnade has an incredible collection of animals, with over 200 species and more than 9,600 animals to see, and no shortage of mega fauna and rare creatures to interest every animal lover. Whether you're in to big cats or primates, giant mammals or tiny insects, there's something for everyone.

I think my favourite part of the day was getting to see the rare greater one-horned rhinos, which I love because they look like adorable armoured-dinosaurs! Just look how cute they are! I could've watched them grazing all day.

We also really enjoyed the Passage Through Asia section, which is a huge drive-through exhibit of green space filled with different types of deer, camels, and yaks. There's a big lake in the middle, and there are no barriers separating you from the animals so it feels really natural, and like being on safari. The animals kept their distance, but it was amazing to watch huge herds of deer grazing, resting, running, and drinking from the lake, and getting to see lots of stags and fawns. We enjoyed this section so much, we went through twice. If you don't take your car in, don't worry; you can also view the Passage Through Asia on The Great Whipsnade Railway, which I believe has just reopened now that Covid restrictions have lifted.

Sadly, we didn't have time to see everything, and missed out a lot of animals in the middle of the zoo, where there's everything from giraffes and lions to wolves and monkeys, but we were more than satisfied with our visit, and it just gives us a good excuse to go back again, and cover what we missed. I particularly wanted to see the bird gardens, seals and sealions, and the children's farmyard again, as they were three of the sections I did work experience on all those years ago (the others were the chimps and elephants), but just being there brought back so many memories. (And we did drive past the farmyard, so I got a good glimpse of the animals around the outskirts). I'll definitely check them out properly next time. 

If you want to see all the animals Whipsnade zoo has to offer, I'd recommend getting there when the gates open at 10am to give yourself  a fighting chance. There's a lot of ground to cover.

Of course, we couldn't leave without checking out the gift shop. It only took me a minute to discover that they sold Kimchi and Coconut jewellery, and I came away with a galaxy-effect whale brooch that I instantly fell in love with. Well, it would've been rude not to treat myself on my birthday, right? Right!

As for visiting during the pandemic... we visited on a weekday during term time, so it wasn't too busy, and we rarely needed to wear a mask outdoors, which was a relief as the weather was so hot. I just popped mine on whenever I got close to a crowd, which wasn't often. Face coverings were required in indoor exhibits, and in the gift shop, as expected, and it's something they're still encouraging now that legal restrictions have officially lifted, so remember to pack a mask. You'll find more information about visiting during Covid times on their website.

We had a great day out at Whipsnade Zoo, and couldn't have asked for a nicer day. Cool animals, nature, sunshine, fresh air, ice cream, a new brooch... what a perfect way to spend a birthday. I'm already looking forward to our next visit, and now I've found a way to make the trip more manageable, I know it won't be long until we're back.

Well, you know me; I love a good trip to the zoo!

When was the last time you visited the zoo?

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Looking Back on 2020

Well, that was unexpected.

When we said '2020, do your worst', this wasn't exactly what we meant! 

Twelve months ago, when we were looking to the year ahead, I don't think anyone could've imagined where the year would take us. How could we have done? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that we'd be living through a deadly global pandemic. Not in my life time, not in the Western world and definitely not in suburban England. Things like that happened in sci-fi novels, and over-imaginative disaster films created on Hollywood sets, not in real life. It couldn't possibly happen in reality.

Or so I thought.

How wrong I was!

That shit got real really fast. 

It was without a doubt one of the worst, most surreal years in living memory for almost all of us. It felt like we were acting a script for a disaster movie, but the threat to our lives, being locked down, shops running out of food and supplies, and people dying in their millions wasn't so entertaining in real life. It was worrying and frightening, stressful, humbling, and down right heartbreaking.

It was bizarre to see how quickly the world changed from the vibrant one we knew to one governed by restrictions, fear, and illness. How quickly we got used to our new normal of staying home, wearing face masks in public, staying at least two metres apart (or miles apart from family and friends we couldn't see all year), and sanitising our hands because our lives might literally have depended on it. It was a lot to deal with and get used to, but we all handled it like pros. 

Admittedly, spending months on lockdowns and tiered restrictions was probably much easier on me than it was on most of you. I'd already been living my own personal lockdown since I developed chronic pain and illness again in 2011, so I'd long since gotten used to staying home most of the time, and had already learned how to occupy my time at home years before the first lockdown began. I consider myself lucky that lockdown life wasn't a culture shock for me. I didn't have to get used to confinement or feel bored as I learnt how to fill my time from home or feel sad about never seeing family and friends. It already was my life and I'd already gone through the adjustment period, so it gave me one less thing to adjust to in 2020. For once, being chronically ill has it's advantages. 

That's not to say that I didn't find the lockdowns and restrictions hard at times. There were days I was overwhelmed with cabin fever like everyone else. For some reason, being told you can't go out is harder to accept than knowing you're physically unable to go out. I had to get used to spending more time with my family at home with nowhere to escape. (An introvert's nightmare). My medical care was on hold for most of the year, and my referral to pain management postponed. I didn't have occasional trips to the supermarket or shops to break up confinement for most of the year, which always kept me going through chronic illness life. I didn't even have daily walks to look forward to. In fact, I didn't leave the house for seven whole months from February to September (partly because I was shielding, and partly because my health was so bad I couldn't get down the stairs for months). I can count on two hands how many times I ventured out during the entire year. It's the most I've stayed at home since the year I became housebound. I made the best of it, but I'm not going to lie, it was hard. 

There was the stress of food and medicine shortages at the start of the pandemic; I remember scouring Amazon Pantry for tins of soup in March. My anxiety was all over the place for a while as I worried about my family catching and dying from the virus. I became one of those people who disinfects packages coming in to the house, which I've continued to do for peace of mind despite parcels supposedly carrying little risk. I never thought I'd be one of those people! I learnt to wear a face covering in public like second nature, keep as far away from other people as possible, and anti-bac my hands more than I've ever done in my life.

Who'd have thought that the must-have fashion accessory of the year would be a face covering, and the most-needed beauty product of 2020 would be anti-bacterial hand gel??

As well as being a rough year for the world, it was also another rough year for my health. My Arthritis and Fibromyalgia both worsened again, and flared more often, which was probably at least partially because of the added stress. The Arthritis in my knees and feet got so bad, there were weeks when I could barely bare weight on my legs at all, and I couldn't get down the stairs for months. My chronic back and spinal pain was also pretty hard to take at times, and my Fibro fatigue got much worse. I lost count how many times I dozed off while I was in the middle of something (most days), and how many times I woke up in the morning feeling more exhausted than before I went to sleep. I rolled with the punches and got through it a day at a time, but it was harder without regular medical appointments, and breaks from captivity to look forward to and keep me sane. It was surreal going from early February to November without a single medical appointment, when I'd normally have at least a couple of appointments a month, but also kind of nice to have a break from doctor's surgeries and hospitals after nine years of it all.

It was a year of negatives, but I feel fortunate that it wasn't a devastating year for my family personally, when millions of people around the world weren't so lucky. We all made it through unscathed. Nobody in my family developed Covid or got sick, and nobody lost their jobs or income, homes or businesses.  We're all still safe, and that's all that really matters. I'm grateful for that. 

There were no big adventures or achievements in 2020. We chose to cancel our holiday to Cornwall to keep ourselves safe, and a couple of concerts I'd been looking forward to got rescheduled again and again. It was disappointing, but I'd prefer disappointment to catching Covid or putting my family at risk.

I took a socially-distanced day trip to The Cotswold Wildlife Park in the autumn, and paid a quick visit to the Appleton Christmas Barn in December, which were the only two fun visits I took during the entire year. The literal handful of other times I left the house were just for trips to the supermarket or doctor's surgery.

2020 was all about appreciating the little things in life more than ever before. I made time to read almost every day and finished thirty-one books. I got addicted to Animal Crossing New Horizons and spent more hours playing on it every day than I'd care to admit. It was a great help to my anxiety, especially at the start of the pandemic, and a fun way to socialise with friends since we couldn't do so in the real world. I cross stitched a little, but not nearly enough. I watched a lot of movies and TV shows. I spent time with my dog and my family. I was also able to see a little of my sister and brother-in-law who moved back from Germany to our hometown at the end of the summer.

I saw the world through new eyes, and appreciated the little things more than ever before, like sunny days, pretty sunsets, watching squirrels foraging in the garden and red kites gliding overhead (from my bedroom window), having enough food in the cupboards, the first taste of foods we couldn't get hold of for months, cuddles with my dog, good books, creative hobbies, and conversations with friends. The little things became the big things, and often became the highlights of the day. 

One thing I do regret about 2020 is how little I blogged. In fact, I blogged less than any year since I began this blog in 2012. It wasn't for lack of trying, but I just wasn't in the right head space to get the words out, and I struggled to take the photos I needed because my chronic pain was so bad. I worked hard to make up for it in December, and at least finished the year off strong with lots of fun, festive posts. I hope I can improve on last year's blogging tally, and create more content in 2021. I'm not going to make any promises, and I'm not going to pressure myself, but I'm going to do my best, and we'll see what happens.

Looking ahead, life doesn't seem so hopeful right now. 2021 hasn't got off to the best start with Covid deaths and cases rising at a scary rate, restrictions tightening, and most of us going in to another lockdown, so it's hard to find much hope or enthusiasm for the year ahead. I want to believe that life will start getting better this year now that vaccines are being rolled out, but right now it feels like it never will. I'm just going to hold on to that little bit of hope that things will get better, and maybe a year from now, life will be a little more 'normal' again. It might take a bit longer, but we will get there. At least we know from history that pandemics always end eventually.

It might be another tough year for all of us, but I'm going to concentrate on getting through it one day at a time, and do my best to enjoy the little things as much as possible. I'm going to read and craft, blog, play Animal Crossing, watch movies, spend time with my family, appreciate nature, and try to get out of the house as often as I can. I'm going to look for the positives in my daily life as much as possible, appreciate what I have, and hope for a more positive year than the one we've left behind.       

I hope it's a more positive year for you, too.                                                      

Here's to a safe and happy, Covid-free year ahead for all of us. 

2021, please don't do your worst.

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Nine Years With Chronic Pain

Today, I have officially been living with chronic pain and illness for nine whole years of my adult life.

One more year, and it will be an entire decade.

How did that happen?

Where did the time go?

One minute I was waking up to back pain as an able-bodied twenty-six year old, and now here I am, nine years later, aged thirty-five, still in pain, and chronically ill with Ankylosing Spondylitis, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Disc Disease, Bertolotti's Disease, and Tachycardia. I'll say it again: how did that happen?

I can still remember that first day as if it were yesterday.

At six am on the 8th of September 2011, I awakened to pain radiating from deep within my lower back. It was faint at first, but it felt different to any pain I'd ever felt before, and I instinctively knew something was wrong. Ironically, I was woken up by my sister who was sick and needed me to take her to A&E, so I did my best to ignore the pain, and took her to the hospital. I continued to ignore the pain in my back for almost two weeks, hoping if I kept working and moving around it would just go away on its own. Instead, it was getting worse day by day, and on the twelfth day, I came home from work after a nine hour shift and collapsed on the kitchen floor. I gave in and phoned the doctor, and while it took years to get diagnosed, from that point, my life was never the same again.

Sometimes it feels like no time at all has passed since those early days, and other times it feels like this has been my life forever. I've become so used to this way of life; living housebound with constant pain and fatigue, taking medication, regular trips to the doctor's, blood tests, treatments, flares, reduced mobility, rarely leaving the house, and needing help from family with every day tasks. It's just as normal to me now as my life before chronic illness was. (Although, if you'd have told me nine years ago that I would still be in pain nine years later and chronically ill with multiple conditions, I never would've believed you. In fact, I would've probably laughed in your face).

I made my peace with the changes to my life a long time ago, but of course, there are still days when I miss my old healthy life, and mourn what I've lost. I was only twenty-six when my life was turned upside down, and sometimes I do mourn all the things I've missed out on during what should've been some of the best years of my life. I'm only human. I had to give up my job and dreams of going back in to animal care. I lost friends when I got sick. I've missed out on travel and meeting new people, getting my own place, and a world of possibility. Sometimes I do feel sad thinking of what I've missed, and I can't help wondering where I'd be now if I hadn't gotten ill.

However, these thoughts only hit me occasionally (albeit, a little more frequently recently after realising how many years have passed) and I try not to think of the changes to my health and life too negatively too often. I shouldn't be thinking of it as a life lost. I'm not dead. Just because my life is different now, doesn't mean it has to be a terrible life. Yes, living with chronic illnesses is challenging every single day, but I have plenty of things in my life to be thankful for, and lots of little things that bring me joy and make my life worth living.

I can't go out all the time and live my life to the full the way I wish I could, so I've learnt to find other ways to fill my time from home, and try to appreciate the little things in life. A good book, nature I can see outside my bedroom window, craft projects, sunny days, cuddles from my dog, good food, new brooches, music, movies... all kinds of little things. It's a different, slower way of living, but it's still a life. And it's the only one I've got.

I'd love to get my old life back, but let's be realistic; it's never going to happen. Most days I can barely even get out of bed for the pain. I won't get better, and will likely only get worse as I age and my conditions degenerate. The old days are gone, and I can only look forward.

I'm never going to be one of those inspirational disabled people who overcome their challenges to climb mountains or sail solo around the world (but let's face, I never did those things before chronic illness, either), but I'm proud of myself for how I've coped every step of the way over the last nine years. They've been the most life-altering and debilitating years of my life. I've been through a lot, life's been hard at times, but I'm still here, still fighting, and making it from one day to the next. I'm proud of myself for never giving up even though at times I may have wanted to when the pain has been unbearable, and yet another doctor wouldn't take my symptoms seriously. I'm proud that I'm stubborn, and don't give up so easily.

I got through the last nine years, I got through another period of chronic pain in my teens, and I know I can get through all the years of chronic pain and illness that might be ahead of me. I just need to take each day one at a time, and keep making the best out of the life I have. 

That's all anybody can do, right?

I can't help but wonder where the next nine years will take me.

It's probably not far, but I'll keep you informed!