Saturday, 18 June 2016

Thoughts That Go Through My Head In Hospital Waiting Rooms

I've spent a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms over the last five years, waiting for appointments that I hoped would give me a full diagnosis to explain my chronic pain, or provide me with some relief from my symptoms. Consultations, blood tests, X-rays, scans, physiotherapy, acupuncture, facet injections, manipulation... the list of appointments goes on. Basically, I've had so many hospital visits, sometimes I feel like I live there.

I probably spend more time in the waiting rooms than with the doctor, nurse, or physiotherapist, because appointments are rarely on time. Depending on the reason for my visit, waiting around can stir up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, from fear to boredom, causing my mind to go in to over drive and over think to pass the time. All kinds of thoughts have been known to enter my head while I've been in waiting rooms, so for kicks, I'm going to share a bunch of them with you today.  Why? Because I can.

 Why are pain clinics and physio departments always so far away from hospital entrances?
 Why is it so hot in here? Have I entered the gateway to hell?
 Why are all these people staring at me? Is it because I'm fat, young (ish), wearing loud clothes, don't look ill? Are they wondering what's wrong with me? What?
♥ Seriously, why won't they stop staring at me? I hate this.
 How much longer do I have to sit here? My appointment was 23 seconds ago.
 I hope I don't have to strip down to my underwear or wear a hospital gown today. Please let me keep my clothes on.
 Am I wearing matching underwear? Nice underwear? Did I remember to shave my legs? No? Shit. I'll definitely be stripping down to my underwear today, then. And in front of the fit osteopath. Fuck.
 Does anybody actually read those random magazines about fishing, rambling, and hunting?
♥ Why are appointments never on time, even when you're one of the first of the day?
 I wish I was in bed, in my PJs, blogging, and having a Netflix marathon.
 Why am I the only patient here under 50?
 Will the doctor / nurse / physiotherapist be kind and try to help me, or will they just dismiss what I'm saying and shoo me away? Will they believe me? Judge me? Treat me like I'm wasting their time?
♥ Will they treat me badly because I'm fat?
 Will they assume my health problems are just down to being fat?
 Is this appointment going to be a waste of time, or will it be another step forward?
 I've got nothing to worry about; it's going to be fine.
 Mother, chill. You're stressing me out. 
 Must not laugh out loud at hilarious meme / Tweet / Facebook status/ Instagram photo on my phone. Must. Not. Laugh. Oops, too late.
 I wish I'd remembered to bring a drink in with me; my mouth is as dry as the Sahara. They really should have vending machines or water coolers in this hospital.
 I hope I don't have to write or sign anything today; my hands are so shaky!
 I must look like my body is shaking from fear or a drug addiction. This is so embarrassing.
 I wonder what health conditions, ailments, or injuries these people have.
 I wonder if any of these people have any of my health conditions. I wonder if any of them are going through a similar situation.
 Either somebody has a voodoo doll of me, or body, you are being one mean son of a bitch. Pain, this is no time to throw a tantrum. Do you want to have us hospitalised? Don't make me come down there!
 I really don't feel so good. Hurry up, doctor, so I can go throw up and get home to bed.
 My back and legs are killing me. I don't think I can take this pain much longer. Body, why do you hate me?
 Do I look as bad as I feel? Do I look ill, or do I look perfectly healthy to all these people?
 I should have brought my book with me. Why did I leave my bag in the car?
 I hate these uncomfortable waiting room silences.
 What did the blood tests / scans find? What will they diagnose me with this time? Has anything improved or worsened since the last one?
 What will the plan of action be this time? New medication? More physiotherapy? Injections? Acupuncture? Mummification? Ritual sacrifice? A magical elixir made from the blood of my enemies?
 Please, Jebus, don't let him send me for another claustrophobic scan, like he was considering doing last time. Anything but that. Save me, Jebus! *Has silent panic attack.*
 Where's Doctor McSteamy when you need him?
 I need some fresh air.
 I wonder if I can convince my Dad to take a detour through McDonalds on the way home...
 I hope he's not too bored waiting around for me in the car / coffee shop.
 Aw, it's lovely that the elderly man sitting across from me is taking care of and reassuring his poorly wife. / It's sad that that lady is here alone. / It's sweet that that man's got so much love and support from his family.
 I wonder what crimes the two guys handcuffed to Police in front of me have committed. I wonder what they're here for. (This happened when I was getting physio at a hospital in Oxford a few years ago).
 How much longer do I have to sit here? My appointment was 45 minutes ago.
(Another 45 minutes later). This is taking the piss now. How much longer is he going to b- FINALLY! Hallelujah! The old geezer didn't die at his desk after all. All is forgiven.
 Okay, my legs and backside have gone to sleep.
 (Stiff from sitting in a chair for so long, walking across to the doctor). I feel like the little old lady from the Tweety Pie cartoons.
 I hope he doesn't mind shaking my slightly sweaty hand. *Quickly wipes hand on dress.*
 Okay, let's do this!

What goes through your mind in hospital or doctor's surgery waiting rooms?



  1. Oh no that sounds horrendous! Although you did make me laugh with the humour of this!!
    I hate going to Doctor or Dentist! I always feel such a twit!

  2. I relate to much of this as someone who had cancer when I was in my twenties, it always felt like people were staring at me, drove me nuts! Like,we're in a hospital, in a cancer ward, obviously we are all in the same damn boat so I don't need your well meaning pity lol! I had to laugh at the heat/cirlce of hell dimension too, why are the waiting rooms so unbearably hot?! Excellent read thanks :-) xo


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