Thursday, 22 June 2017

50 Thoughts I Had During The Heatwave

I can't believe how hot it's been this last week! Yesterday it was 35'C here in Oxfordshire, and the four days before it weren't much cooler. This heatwave has been like hell on Earth! I've hated every moment of it.

I'm not a fan of the heat at the best of times, but this heatwave has been something else. The heat and humidity have been suffocating. I've been lazing around the house under the fan in as little clothes as possible trying not to move while drinking all the cold drinks, but I've still been melting in to a puddle of goo, and praying for death. I am not built for this heat!

Those of you in hotter climates are probably thinking: 35 degrees?! That's nothing! What are all of you English people complaining about? Well, our Summers aren't usually this hot; a hot Summer's day for us is about ten degrees less, if we're lucky, with maybe a few days over 30'c a year. We're not used to the heat and most of us don't have air conditioning in our homes, so when we get it, our delight usually turns in to despair after five minutes, and we turn in to a nation of over-heated, flustered, sun-burnt whiners. Most of us just do not know how to cope when the mercury rises. We're still figuring these things out.

I'm probably the worst when it comes to complaining about the heat, and I couldn't even guess how many times I've moaned about it over the past few days. I'm sure many of you will be able to relate, so I thought I'd share a list of some of the things I thought and said during the heatwave to give you guys a giggle. How many of them can you relate to?

1. Why is it so damn hot? It's waaay too hot. Did I mention it's too hot??
2. I think I'm just going to go live in the (cold) shower and send out change of address cards.
3. What can I wear that covers my upper arms, and my legs that won't cause me to die of heatstroke?? Answer: nothing. #HeatwaveDilemmasOfASelfConsciousFatGirl
4. I literally just showered; how can I be sweaty again already?
5. I need ice cream. Why is there no ice cream?
6. Okay, I literally have nothing suitable to wear in this weather. Why isn't it acceptable to be naked in public?
7. I wish I lived alone so I could just lounge around the house naked.
8. This house feels like a fucking furnace!
9. If I stay still and don't move a muscle, maybe, just maybe, I'll survive this.
10. Ow, my legs are stuck to the seat. That's okay; I didn't need those six layers of skin, anyway.
11. My clothes are stuck to me. And the bed sheets / pillows / sofa / chair. Gross gross gross!
12. Eighteen ice creams isn't too many ice creams to eat in one day, right?
13. I wonder if the staff at Sainsburys would mind if I crawled in to their freezer and lived there until the end of the Summer?
14. (During the night): There's no air! I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm seriously going to die of suffocation. 
15. *Just drank 75 litres of cold water.* I really need a cold drink.
16. That breeze is aaaamazzzing. Okay, I'm gonna stay here. Oh, it's gone.
17. How many cold showers can I have a day before it starts to get weird??
18. Ice. I need ice. There will never be enough ice.
19. The last half of my drink is too watered down from all the ice. Maybe that was too much ice.
20. Is it obvious how much I'm sweating right now? *Hides in a corner.*
21. I'm sweating so much I'm gonna die of dehydration.
22. Damn you, dehydration headache! Where the fuck is the Paracetamol when you need it?
23. Under-boob and back of the knee sweat is the worst.
24. I hate this. I really fucking hating this.
25. I think my make up has totally slipped off my face. *Checks reflection, looks like The Joker.*
26. No amount of powder is going to fix this shiny, sweaty face.
27. I wish I was on the beach and in the sea right now. Why don't I live near the seaside?
28. I wish we had air conditioning. We need air conditioning. Why don't we have air conditioning in our homes in England? Oh, right; our weather sucks. *Makes mental note to have air conditioning installed in every room of the house for those two weeks of Summer a year, anyway.*
29. Where can I go that has air conditioning that's free?
30. I wish I could go back to childhood and enjoy those carefree Summer days playing in the paddling pool and having water-pistol fights. Why are these not acceptable ways for an adult to spend the Summer?
31. Would it be sad if I bought a paddling pool so I can sit in a deckchair with my feet in the water?
32. Next door's barbecue smells soooo good. Why don't we own a barbecue anymore? I want a barbecue!
33. Ice cream for breakfast is totally acceptable, right?
34. Why am I fanning the dog to cool her down instead of fanning myself? I must be a crazy dog lady!
35. Best go shave my legs again... Why must leg hair grow so fast?
36. Yay, I have silky smooth pins again! 
37. Did I remember to shave my arm pits? No? *Keeps arms down in public.*
38. All the factor 50+ in the world is not enough to stop me from burning under this sun.
39. How is that guy wearing a jumper / coat in this weather? Is he fucking insane??
40. *After thirty seconds outside." Best go back inside or I'm gonna die of heatstroke.
41. Ah, Magicool, you wonderful magical can of relief, you. Praise be to Magicool!
42. How the hell do people in hot climates cope with this heat all the time??
43. All the fans in the world aren't enough right now.
44. I'm never going to be able to sleep in this heat.
45. Why isn't it Winter already? I wish it was Winter.
46. That's it; I'm going to go live in the Arctic.
47. Why is it acceptable for skinny people to walk around in next to nothing, but not us fat people?
48. This mugginess is horrible! We need a good thunderstorm to break it RIGHT NOW.
49. I died and now I'm in the fiery furnace of hell. There's no other explanation. I'm burning in hell for my bad life choices.
50. When will this heatwave end?

Did you think or say any of these things during the heatwave?


1 comment

  1. Yep, these are all thoughts I've had in summer here in Australia. 35 is quite hot, we average 30 here in summer, but I think like hottest temp was around 46. I don't have aircon where I live either, so it's pretty miserable. I do find it easier to live without aircon in Melbourne, were as in Sydney you need it more, just because Sydney is waaay more humid. If you ever come to Australia, don't come in Summer :P


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